Finally, exams ended. SAND paper was okie, but i dun understand some qns. Which was bad. Like class diagram, A normal class diagram will have more den 5boxes. But the qns says draw teh class diagram that is related to advertising and campiagn. So, i only draw 2. The qns is 16marks. =(

Exams ended, i've got something else to settle. An answer. Yes i know, The answer that i shld have given long ago. So for the below stuff, i encourage u guys not to read. Its really very long and wordy. Not good for those ppl who are not involve. No pictures too. So dun bother reading. =).
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Xianyi, this will be my answer and reply. I hope the way i wrote and express it in a way that i convey the correct msg that i wan u to understand. =)

I had a cold war with u. But do u rmb u use to gif me cold shoulder as and when u like during sec sch? I'll always be shock whenever u suddenly replied me coldly or ignore me. I'll be lost whenever that happen. I'll start to wonder wat went wrong. Wat i did that anger u. And i will ask zhenyu. I tried to coax u. It din work. I said sorry not knowing wat mistake i did. U said nvm adn i'll ask why u are angry but u'll say nth but the cold war continues. u might tot that if u tell me the truth it might hurt me so u rather not say. But i need to know wat happen so that i coould chg so that it wun happen. Ur cold shoulders were so freq that everytime u are back to normal, i'll watch wat i say and my behaviour so that u've got no reasons to gif me any cold shoulders. But nope, its still happening. Till i cant take it one time. I could only lie on yuhui's back and drop my tears silently.

i didnt know i was not replaced. And u din find out the reason to why i din mention u in my blog and tot that u were replace. Never once u were replace. I jus din write for many reasons. Ok, now u can say that i din gif the assurance to u but that was because of many incident that happened b4 u can come online.

Yes, i once tot that lynn has replaced me. Cos u always mentions things abt her and i din see u mentioning things abt me. The word "seldom". I know, we din meet often cos we are both busy with our sch work. I did sms u at times, but u din reply. We din contact with each other for months cos i tot u were busy with studies but when ur sms came after months, i was so happy. I smiled to the phone when i flip open and see ur name. But the content hurt me (the content is wat i roughly rmb-ed. Cos it sent long ago. i cant rmb the exact words).

"Help me go lot one check S.H.E clock how much".

The next sms after months:

"Help me check S.H.E album got wat free items if pre-order"

i din know u din replace her with me when i only recieve sms task after months we nv contact.
The things u do with lynn is similar to wat we always do. Even the present she pei u buy for ur mum (cos i wasnt free to help u). Handbag. Isnt that wat i help-ed u brought for ur mum last yr? When i knew it, i could jus imagine. Lynn was me. Im lynn. How u and her buy things. How u and her shop for things. How u always say sui bian. How u always crave for food halfway looking for presents. How u say dunno when she asked wat u wan to buy for ur mum. How she will chose and help to think wat to buy. *ok, that was jus my imagination. it may not be the same*


U'll be surprise i rmb-ed these things. I even rmb, u always mention in ur blog for thank-ing vivien for sending u songs. But i nv once see u thank me abt the stuff i did for u.

Rmb i always sent ur stuffs to ur school? I waited 45mins for u outside sch. For more den once. I know, u did ask me to go into the school to wait. But it seems un-appropriate for me to stay inside and wait. Its so weird. Wat could i do inside? and wat if a teacher approach me? Do i need to take visitor pass from the General office? i dunno how to explain why i need to stay in the sch to the managment. Its jus weird and paiseh. I still rmb the other tiem u treat me KFC. That was more den enuff. Im so delighted though u fell aslp and miss the meeting time. =)

i once wrote this in my entry.

"=(i cried ytd. Its been ages since i cry...i mean, cry for myself...not for tv shows. I tried my best to control but tears jus roll down uncontrollably. I dun cry. Infact, to see me crying is a rare scene.im very sad, disappointed and angry.i dunno why.maybe cos when i recall the past events, i feel that im so pathetic. i lead a sad life. i felt being made use of.Though its not being made use of, but the actions makes out the feeling of being made use. Dun ask me why. Its jus feelings.

The actions done which makes u feel. Feelings of not wanted. Feelings of unappreciated. Feelings of not being treasured. Feelings of being taken granted for. And why am i so silly enuff to have even walk it through and felt it all. Finding reasons to defend when i cant even convince myself that all that is true. Im silly and stupid.why must i endure all this? i duno understand. I believe that im consider a very nice gal to have done all that. ALL OF THAT. My patience, My time, My effort, My feelings, My emotions but i dun get anything. Not even thankyou. Though the thankyou did came. but its very late. The damage has has already been done.

Dun eva say all these appreciation stuff need not be said out and can be kept in the heart. As long as u felt appreciate, the other party will know. noo..its really a big nono...i wanna stop guessing. guessing that im appreciated.. thinking that im being treasured. Its all thinking and guessing..but the ans is not there... and it must not be asked. Cos if its asked directly, the meaning is not there anymore. Sometimes, actions shows it all..

I hate myself for being soft.The special list is strike off... And i will control my tears."

Putting back this entry brings lots of stuff back. If i've replace u, i would never have strike off the special list that only have ur name on it. If i've replace u, someone else name will be up. But no, i'll nv put someone else name and continue with the list. Cos it only belong to one and i dun tink i can find an identical one back. So i rather strike it off.

Yes, i din write abt u or mention u in my blog for a long time. But that was because i've written to much till i couldnt take it. I've written lots of my feelings towards u in e blog b4. but i din state the name cos i dinn wan it to become an open issue. The more i write, the more i think, the more sad i get, the more tears i create, the deeper the wound. i dun see the point of keep thinking too much and too deep jus because i only see the surface. But i couldnt see the deeper side too cos u nv assure or show it to me b4. So i could only guess.

Ya, U did say sorry and thanks to me i know. but how many times? Im not trying to find fault or say whose wrong at this pt of moment. BUt its just my feelings u see?

Yes, theres thankyou. But it was not the right thankyou. Saying thanks to me for helping u with ur sch stuff can be given occasionally i dun mind. Rmb the other time i waited 3hrs for u for ur Ns checkup? Ur thankyou dint come. That was the time i went crazy and everything went haywire. yet again, I guess. I told myself u are feeling thankful but its jus that u are paiseh to say it out. I know thats the fact. But i tot by transmitting ur thankyou thr words by sms wun be that paiseh. So i told myself u would sent that sms. Yes, that night ur sms did came.. But I rmb it so clearly tat it says "Do u have val's number?". I guess that feeling cant be explain in words.

There arnt time where u really did something that needs a "sorry". Except for the time u called me bitch. Ya, u did say sorry to me so its okay. But ur sorry still came too late. Cos after the issue past for sometime den u said it. But im really okay with it. I really dun mind. Cos i know u do feel sorry. =)

Why i was cold to u when the first time u came online after such a long time. Cos at that time, im already feeling very bad. The wound is already very deeep. I know u dunno abt anything at first and i din wan u to know that much too.

I did read abt your journey entry. And i wrote on my msn nick. "im really touched, thank so much".

Well, as for birthday. Im sorry i din wish u. Cos i tot i was not important. But this only happen on 2005. Last year. that was the first time i din wish u. Was the year ur bdae present from me was shared with others. Did u realise?

I could still rmb all the presents i brought for u. It was really brought and thought from the bottom of my heart. I did put my heart into preparing it.

First year: a hp sofa with ur name. I tot that u could put ur hp there so that u wun misplace it or wat. And the sofa belong solely to u. Cos its with ur name. Its the most expensive gift i brought for anyone at that time.

Second year: Billabong wallet and home-made cookies. That time when our cold war just ended. That time when u jus decided to talk to me. I could still rmb so clearly, u rejected that present. U look at zhenyu and say "eh, for u". When i walk away throwing the present to zhenyu, u asked him to come to me and he said"xianyi ask me to return to u. He dun wan."

I cried, for the first time in sch. I couldnt control. And i told myself. If u really dun wan, i rather u throw away den gif it to someone. But i'll be equally hurt. Cos that was the 1st time i bake cookie myself. i took 4whole hrs. And also baking ur name out. I spent close to 40dollars. I saved it, specially for u.

I tried to drag u into the classroom during break but u din wan to, so i've no chose but to gif u when we are waiting for bus to go to JJC. Yuhui told me that u were paiseh at that time. I was so guilty. I din know the whole world knows the present was for u. But i dunno wats wrong for accepting that present since we are buddies. I din know u mind wat others see us as cos we are already mistaken by almost the whole level. I tot we are already immune to it and couldnt be bothered with wat they say or think. Does not accepting makes a difference?

Third year: S&K tee. I dunno wat to buy for u since u already have everything. I tot for veryvery long. I even consulted steph and nancy. But they couldnt gif me a perfect one. No one was free to go shopping with me cos everyone was busy with projects and stuff. I walked ard aimlessly, going into every shop that i might find something suitable for u. If u've known me, i hate to go shopping alone cos im so indecisive.

The S&K tee caught my attention. I stayed in the shop for like 45mins to decide wat pattern and colour would look nice on u. Despite the salesman gifing me many suggestion, i couldnt make the decision. He also buay tahan me. How paiseh. lol. I dun even noe ur size.

I happily asked for one more bag cos its S.H.E. i wanted to meet and gif u. But u were not free. i tot we're like having a coldwar at that time for no reason cos u were rejecting my every meeting request. But i guess u are jus busy cos of projects. Finally we got to meet when u are free. i was so afraid that the history will repeat itself. Happily we go shopping and i get to gif u that shirt. I was so delighted u said thankyou and din reject. Oh mys, how glad am i.

But u insist that i brought it during sales. The shirt mus be on discount. =(. No, i brought it at original price. U dun believe.

The last present was shared with yuhui and ping. It was mention above.

Sometimes ppl say, Actions shows everything. Ur sincerity. Now, here im not trying to say i dislike ur present or trying to compare price, or compare my present to u or anything negative. No, not any of that. Jus purely i wanna explain for wat have happened during ur last bdae.

My first year present from u: some good luck thingy. But i was glad, at least u gave something when u know my bdae last min.

Second year: A pink tweety towel that u secretly stuff into my bag when i was not around in sentosa. I smile like an idiot when i saw it. How nice. U tot i din bother abt it cos u saw it dusty at my hse teh other time. That was cos i put at that place so that i could see it everyday den putting at a place which wun be dusty but i cant see it. So i jus place there, no matter how many things was above it, i still can see it. Dusty was cos as u know im not a gal who will go clean and pack things frequently. But i do treasure it. I cant bare to use it and make it dirty.

Third year: U sent me a birthday song sang by urself to me when the clock strike 12AM. I was so happpy and excited that i teared. Sooo sweet. Full of ur sincerity in wishing me. More den enuff. I know u are busy. I understand.

Last year: U were busy with ur As but u still came for the celebration.. That was really appreciated by me. A superstar cd shared with zhenyu. But the whole thing is wrapped and written by zhenyu. It was also teh first time u shared my present with someone.
It might be cos the the previous incident that happen during ur birthday thats why u decided to do the same thing to me. Cos i cant be bothered and therefore u also dun need to bother. But u know wat makes it worst? The sms u sent me on my birthday itself.

"help me burn the superstar cd."

How can u ever do this to me? U asked me for that. During my birthday itself. I dunno, i was very hurt.Im bleeding.I dun mind u din wish me happy birthday cos i din wish u too. But asking me that on my birthday itself is too cruel when i jus recieved it from u, the previous night.

Rmb the other time we have our usual gathering and we went heereen cos u wanted to buy someone present? Xiuqian went in the shop with u and u all hand inside for a long time. U came out, holding a box. A necklace inside if im not wrong. We probed to asked who was it for. I teased u and joked, it was for ur soon-to-be gf...i was purely joking and u said that "no lah. she's same like u, good fren." =)

I know Exams are ard the corner and u've got no time to buy for me. Understandable. Im jus a little disappointed. I mean, ya, gals mah.. common that im jealous to why she got the same status as me but her present got more sincerity den mine. I told myself, it could be wat i did to u during ur last birthday so u also did the same. Give wat take wat mah. Reasonable. But i was jus thinking. Haven i done enuff to recieve something better den her? Or she has really taken over me. That's the time i think again. But again, i know i once had something more sincere den her. The song u sang.

I dunno wat makes u think that we are true frens cos we both hate mooore. But that is definitely not true. Our hatred for moore came after we are close. We became close before we hate moore to the core.

I like u as my buddy for who u are. For the gentleman u are to me. No one else did things to me like how u did. The first person who sent me home, the first to offer carrying my bag though i know that was cos the bag i was carrying belongs to minfang. The one who will always let me sit the inner seats. The one that laugh and said nonsense stuff together with me. The one that chat with me till morning. The one that sent me sms to ask where am i, wat am i doing. The one that gave me freq miss calls. The one that get worried when i din ans the phone for the whole day. The one that gave me maomao as my nick that i uses it till now, till everyone got so use to calling me that. The one that gave me the best sec sch memories. The one that i go thr thick and thin with. The one that had the hottest rumours with me. The one that will support me when someone say something bad abt me. The one that confront the other party and question him he said that to me.

The time u waited with me for my bus before taking bus home. The time when i'll always be late for our shopping time and u'll jus forgive me. The time we stick together like some sticky glue and talk anything under the sun. The time u irritate me by being indecisive. The time we fake as couple to let minfang see so that she can concentrate on her studies. The time u always support me when junjie bully me.

Good and Bad times we have together.

i knew everything became different after we parted schools. Since the day i went haywire and decided to gave up everything. I might be the one who cause everything. It might not be fully ur fault

Im seriously veryvery touched that our photo is still in ur wallet. Its really sweet

Ok, i dunno after reading this entry will u be hurt or not. But this entry was purely feelings.

Now that i've said everthing out, i hope that u can understand. Understand why i tot of all those things and feeling unsecure or feeling that u've left me. I hope i wrote it in a way that was not so hurting and a way that u'll get my meaning right, understand and not think otherwise. I dun wan u to mistaken that i hate u or wrote this entry to humilate u. Or saying how bad u are to me. Or blaming you for anything. Nope, nth of that sort. It's Jus to let u understand wat am i thinking for such a long time. The reasons to why im gifin u cold shoulders. I hope u dun get me wrong.

Im just tired. I admit, i still think of u. Whenever i passby ur busstop. Whenever i take bus300. Whenever i passby queenstown. I'll always be remind to wat have happened b4 even though how much i wanted to forget. No, i admit i cant. The memories still lingers there.

All the best for ur NS and results, do take good care of urself.

Done


-maomao-